im six kinds of drunk right now
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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