You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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