I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize