Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
