I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
