so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize