but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
