It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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