I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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