It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize