if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
