I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
