I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize