I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
