my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
