My pussy is not your playground.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
