I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
