i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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