He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize