My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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