They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
