My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize