I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
