OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i was born a porn star she said
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
