On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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