I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
