He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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