awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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