I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
