went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
