I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
