tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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