eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
