Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
