I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
