they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
