if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
