...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
