It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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