Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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