i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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