Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
