New invention idea: vibrating tampons
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
