i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize