Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
