walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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