I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
