Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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