I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
