I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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