There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
