Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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