Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
