you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
