Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
