it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
