He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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