my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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