Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
