i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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