i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
