I have demons in me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
