I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
