i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
