just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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