and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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