: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
